Looking Back and Seeing God

Special Gratitude Edition

Guest Post by Diane Qubty

Thankful, grateful, and blessed! What does that really mean? I am thankful that Tiffany asked me to pause and reflect on this! I am grateful for the Savior Who follows me around and blesses me daily – moment by moment. I’m grateful for the small things because they are really the big things. When the God of the universe takes time to do something so personally for me that I’m the only one who benefits…well, it blows my socks off. I’m immensely grateful for Bible studies, devotionals or words from a friend that come at just the right time, and I recognize that there are no coincidences. To be wrapped up in the love of a God Who would give Himself for me and choose to dwell with me is incredible, unbelievable, magical, and amazing – but guess what! I do believe!!! Faith is the gift that keeps on giving. Love, mercy, grace, Bread, guidance, shelter, encouragement, courage, self-control, peace, joy, calm in the storm, Light in the darkness, everlasting life, a promise…I am thankful for these gifts from my God, my Savior, and my Friend.

Recently I was reading a story in Exodus 33. Moses wouldn’t go into battle before he was assured that Yahweh was with him. He asked God if He would “show me Your glory.” He wanted to see God’s face, to feel His Presence, to know in certainty that his Father God was there. Ever been there? God told Moses that he could not see Him. That would cause Moses to die. But He put Moses on a rock, and then God hid him in the cleft of the rock and put His hand over Moses to protect him as He passed by. Once God had passed, He moved His hand away so that Moses could see the back of God. (What does that look like?!) I felt Father telling me that this is how it is with us sometimes. We can’t always see Him when we go through trials, but He is there, hiding us and covering us with His mighty hand. But then as we look back, we see that He was there all along. 

This last year Father has had me reflect on my past. At first it was a little painful, and I wasn’t sure what was going on, but, as always, He showed me purpose in my pain. Looking back, I could see even more clearly that He was with me, preparing me and guiding me, even before I knew I needed preparing and guiding.

So, today I am thankful that He allows us to look back and see that He was there. There are many stories I could tell. This past 18 months I found things and spoke to people that I haven’t seen in years. I spent about three months organizing and packing before moving. I found things I didn’t know I had. I enjoyed the reunions immensely. I made a beautiful new friend that is a precious part of my story now. But there was a point that I told my hubby, “I suddenly find myself somewhere between now and 25 years ago!” That is not a place I like to stay. We lost our youngest daughter 26 years ago. Only a mom or dad who’s lost a child can truly understand the pain in those words. I asked God what was it that He had me there for. I needed to resolve and move forward. 

I’m going to take you back with me…April 1999 – I went on a ladies’ retreat in Colorado with my sister-in-law’s church. It was a wonderful, Spirit-filled weekend, and it caused me to dig deeper into Who our Father is. At one point I had a question and knew no one but my Father could answer it. So for my answer, I opened my Bible and put my finger down. This is not how I usually ask questions of God, but I needed an answer quickly. I looked down and read, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…” I said, “OK! I can do that!”, and I just let go and enjoyed the rest of the day. At the end of the retreat while we were getting ready to go, some women started passing out gifts. They had been wrapped and then prayed over so that each person would receive the one that God wanted them to have. I think they were from a sister congregation. I was skeptical. I don’t know why. But I’m being honest. As others began to open their gifts, I saw beautiful pictures of Jesus doing different things. They were the penciled sketches of Jesus that you have probably seen before. My SIL opened hers, and it was Jesus with a little ballerina. My still skeptical brain thought, “Of course, everyone knows that sweet sister is a little ballerina, and my precious nieces too, but no one knows me, so maybe mine will really be from God.” I opened it to find the sweetest picture of Jesus holding a little girl in His arms. At the time, I had been praying about teaching junior high girls, something I loved. With my own girls getting older, I knew my time was different, but I loved teaching. So… of course that’s what I saw! God wants me to keep teaching! (I know! That’s not what it looked like.)

When I got home, I had a wonderful greeting from my hubby and four precious daughters. I could not have felt more loved and blessed. Then I remembered that at a previous banquet, I had been given a framed Bible verse. I guess it didn’t mean that much to me at the time. I went and found it and sure enough, there it was: “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will keep your pathways straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6. Wow, God. That’s interesting.

End of school is a busy time. We were just so busy… we had senior stuff, and junior stuff, and basketball stuff, and 8th grade stuff…My youngest had turned 14 on Easter Sunday, April 4th, I had been on two retreats (unheard of!), Johnny took Astyn for a skip day (also unheard of). The Sunday before…during church Astyn went down for prayers in the very large Trinity church we had started attending. We were sitting in the balcony, and I never could spot her down at the front, even got a little mama frantic for a moment. After church she told me that she had prayed with an angel that day. Uhhh, yea…That week I had the same vision on two different nights as I slept…

I walk into the house and stop at Astyn’s room. I’m looking around at her things and missing her. Then I see her standing between my two grandmothers. I playfully tell her that I’m mad at her for meeting them before I get to. I can physically feel the joy between the three of them.   

I never dwelled on these visions or even thought about them as I went through my busy week. Sunday, May 2nd, 1999 – there is a terrible bus accident that takes the lives of six precious little girls – Heather, Sarah, Talitha, Sarah, Meg…and my precious Astyn. 

Whew. That looking back thing doesn’t happen the next day. It may not even happen the next year. It comes in spurts. Maybe these are growth spurts. Faith spurts… I am not the same person I was before this date. God has given me grace to embrace the fact that I am a better person because of this immense, unfathomable, atrocity in my life (sorry, I just couldn’t think what to call it).

Sometime in the year 2000…I am walking through Mardel’s and see a small poster of God’s finger with a swing attached. There’s a cute little blond girl with a pink dress swinging on that swing. It looks like my Astyn. The verse at the bottom : “Trust in the LORD with all your heart…” I had to buy it. Later that year, my bestie sends me on an Emmaus retreat. I don’t remember much of anything. Shock lasts a long time. But I do still have the notebooks they gave each of us for the retreat. That very picture is on the front and that verse on the bottom. It was that weekend’s theme verse.

Looking back – knee jerk first reaction – Father, if You knew this was going to happen, why didn’t You stop it?! Why show me these things and then not fix them? Did I miss something? Was I supposed to understand and change her plans? I give You my children daily and just expect You to keep them safe. What happened? I am overwhelmed with grief and gut-wrenching guilt. What did I miss?

But God doesn’t leave us there. He fills our voids with His goodness.

Today’s revelations – The Verse - Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding…TRUST! A totally new word for me than it used to be. Still learning to trust HIM and whatever His plans are rather than trusting Him to pull off Diane’s plans – didn’t even realize I was doing that. The Gift – what a beautiful picture of Father holding my child and His… The Angel – a story in itself. One day I’ll know more… The Vision – slow in unfolding the why…Father DID know what was coming. He’s God. Though I questioned Him at first, I have realized that, yes, I have been His from before time, and yes, He has known I have loved Him from very young (though never perfectly, completely), and HE wanted to be the One to tell me something so intimate and difficult. He comforted me with the knowledge that my grandmothers were on her greeting committee! Though I’ve never met them, I have always felt close to them. Years later, it occurred to me that I knew who they were! There weren’t lots of pictures when they died in the late ’30’s, but I knew who they were – we knew each other, we all loved each other – COMFORT!… Beautiful new friend – right when we think we are OK, God says, “No, not enough, not yet’… So Why Look Back? – Because it reminds me and makes me confident that He is here now and always, yesterday, today, and tomorrow… One more thing about The Verse – This verse has continued to come back to me at unexpected and precious times – like a sweet young sister-in-law, who didn’t even know me then, giving me a large, framed copy of it and telling me it just made her think of me!  And I continue to learn how to Trust in the LORD, because HE is good and trustworthy and His mercy endures forever. 

Be thankful, grateful, and blessed…